A Death Eater's Remorse
by Shrink To Be
Summary: This is a oneshot as to why Dumbledore really does trust Snape. Warning: self Mutilation.


**Summary:** This is a one-shot as to why Dumbledore really does trust Snape. Warning: self Mutilation.

**Author Notes:** I wrote this a while ago and I've decided that I might as well post it up. I've corrected a few of the typos but not all- sorry. Dumbledore is a bit ooc. It is yet another of those 'i-was-bitten-by-a-plot-bunny-and-it-wouldn't-let-go-unless-i-did-this' kind of thing. Please review and tell me what you like It's a bit cliché at the end.

Severus Snape sat on the floor. His back, up against the wall. This was highly convenient for him, as he had taken a liking to hitting his head. The temporary pain blanked out his thoughts.

He was crying. Childhood memories came back to haunt him. His father beating his mother. His mother crying. Severus running away home home when he was fifteen…

He thought that running away would have solved his problems. He would not have to hear pain from his family. He would be free to live his life as a wizard away from those people he once loved. But who was to care for him now?

He hit his head on the wall again. It wasn't enough. He snatched up his left hand and vigorously started scratching his hand with his nails. This way, he could release his pain and anger, without making evidence. He continued to scratch his hand for 2 minutes. His skin was red and sore. Little traces of blood seeped through the frequently attacked areas. He didn't care.

Severus was under the control of one of the most powerful wizards on earth, Lord Voldemort. He had joined the dark arts and had become a Death Eater. Severus had grown tired of watching people suffer. He had grown tired of watching innocent lives be destroyed. He was sick of being himself. He didn't want to be himself. He couldn't turn back. There was no way out of this. Either he would continue living a Death Eater, or he would not live at all.

His tears were born again as he started to sob. He could not go on.

He pulled out his wand. He knew how to do it. He had done it only hours before, on an innocent mother and child. He was going to speak the incantation. He was going to end it all.

"_Avada ked-_"

"_Expelliarmu.s_" a voice shot from the doorway to his right. Severus' wand flew away from his hand.

He snapped round.

"D-D-Dumbledore," Severus stuttered. "I-"

Dumbledore raised his hand to stop him speaking. He walked next to Severus and drew up a chair with his wand. He sat in it.

"I have no pity for Death Eaters." Dumbledore said coldly. Severus saw the look on Dumbledores face. It was obvious why some practically worshipped him and it was obvious why this wizard was the only one the Dark lord was afraid of. Severus looked sideways at his wand which was now on the other side of the room. "I do, however," Dumbledore continued "feel pity for those who wish to leave his ranks. You are no Death Eater Severus."

"Don't tell me what I am!" Severus snapped. He looked up at Dumbledore. He saw him nod.

"Indeed it is not my place to say who you are and aren't. But I believe that Death Eaters are cruel cold-blooded wizards who enjoy hurting and killing innocent people. They are poor souls who would do anything for power. You, I get the impression, do not enjoy it. The earlier attempts to kill yourself are obvious signs of that."

Severus felt a surge of hatred. Why did Dumbledore have to talk about that? Its no-one else's business how he feels. It's no-one else's business what he wants to do.

"I feel you wish to leave to leave Lord Voldemort?"

"I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live at all." Severus looked at his wand, willing it to be in his hand.

"Severus there is a way around this."

"No there isn't. Either I kill others or he kills me."

"Indeed that is a problem but, as the saying goes, if there is a will, there is a way."

"Go on then if you're so clever, tell me how am I supposed to get out of this mess?"

"I do not pretend to know awnsers to everything. To find a solution, it takes time and effort."

"I can't be bothered."

"Severus you can still help."

"Help what?"

"Help work against Voldemort. You know about him from working with him. We need inside information, Hey Presto, we have a solution to the worlds problems."

Severus continued to look at his wand.

"It would be re-paying dept" Dumbledore added.

Severus nodded.

"Will you join us, against Lord Voldemort?"

Severus didn't do anything. Why did this old fool have to stop me? Who is he kidding? If I go along with his plan and the Dark Lord catches me, I'll be killed. I will be living in terror for the rest of my life, waiting for him or a deatheater to jump around a corner to kill me. Why can't it just end? Why is it that he would have to live the rest of his life in fear? He didn't think life was worth it.

"If we all lived our lives worried about death, then this world would have great trouble doing anything"

Dumbledore said.

Severus looked up in to Dumbledores kind blue eyes.

"I killed a mother and child!" He spoke. Fresh tears falling down his cheeks." How can I make it better?"

"If you are willing to forget your past and help, then we will be more than happy to help you."

"I can't do it"

"You can't?"

Severus shook his head. He wanted his wand. He was going to get his wand back.

"Severus, I know it is hard to forgive yourself. Even harder than it is to forgive others."

"Pass me my wand"

"No" Dumbledore said simply

Severus pushed against the wall and struggled to his feet. He stumbled over and picked up his wand.

He pointed it to his torso,

"_Av-_"

"_Expelliarmus_," Dumbledore said. "Sorry Severus but I am not allowing you to do that."

Severus narrowed his eyes at Dumbledore.

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA!" Severus screamed. He was hysterical. He looked mad." YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO KILL SOMEONE! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE ME!"

"Severus I am offering you a way out of this. This way, others can benefit. If you kill yourself, then everyone looses. You see from my perspective, if I let you die, here in this room now, then it will be all my fault and I would have failed yet again." Dumbledore spoke calmly.

"You never failed a first time" Severus breathed.

"I believe I have failed many times but the time I feel most upset about is the time I didn't stop you joining Lord Voldemort"

"You couldn't have stopped me; it's not your fault." Severus said

"Yes I do believe it is" Dumbledore said "I should have stopped you running away from home when you were fifteen. I should have paid more attention to you Severus. I could tell your life was not easy and I can tell you now, I don't think your life will be enjoyable for a long time. I should have confronted you and asked you if you needed help. I shouldn't have assumed that a young boy would ask for help if they needed it."

"I didn't need help! And I don't need help now. Why can't you let me be?"

"You don't deserve to feel like this Severus. I need you to calm down and think about what it is you have been doing. Think about what it is you wish to do now. You need to help your self Severus. Suicide is not the awnser."

Severus nodded and walked slowly and carefully to retrieve his wand. Dumbledore shot a glance at him.

"It's ok. I'm just putting it in my pocket!"

Severus picked up his wand and drew up a chair. He placed his wand in his pocket and sat down in his chair.

"Joining us will be difficult, but I am willing to help you. You must understand however that others may find it hard to accept you into our midst."

Severus nodded. " I am sorry. I wish to help. I wish to make it better again. I apologise."

Dumbledore raised his hand again. "There is no reason to apologise. Now that I am certain that you have regained the will to live, a portkey to Hogwarts" Dumbledore said. He transfigured a teapot out of mid-air.

"Portus. Severus we are going to return to Hogwarts where I will find you a room. There is no safer place than Hogwarts" Dumbledore said smiling. Severus and Dumbledore held the port key and were whisked away to a new beginning.


End file.
